THE CRAPBOOK

I am back. Got an airtel connection. Hathway was cheaper for my kind of usage, but seems like they don’t service my new place.

The old (land)lady.

She deducted a month’s rent as painting charges. For that money she could paint it thrice. Once the cheque was handed over and I got into my car, She said “I am getting a new scooter”.  

‘Its my money’ I thought.

The Newspaper Boy.

My landlord was so happy that I moved, she informed the newspaper boy, just incase I have defaulted any amount.

In three hours I got a call.

Newspaper boy “Sir, heard that you have moved”

Me : “yes”

NB: “Sir you did not give this month’s fee”

Me :”Oh yeah? I thought we were paying fee in advance”

NB :”No sir”

Me :” I have bills”

NB :”I will come to collect this month’s fee sir”

Me:”Okay, I will give you the fee for 105Rs, you give me the advance 120Rs back, so when are you coming???”

click !

I will be now regular with new crap. I got a huge unread blog list in my reader. whew!

From the News Today.

Jet airways fired 800 people. Now that news is pretty sad, but the statement from Mr Raj Thackeray is well…. Decide for yourself. “MNS would not allow any Jet plane to fly over Maharashtra”. I wonder how he is planning to do that. Well its not that simple to block all the air routes. Throwing stones wouldn’t help either. May be a Trebuchet would be handy.

I noticed the poll button on WP editor, so I thought of testing it. Do take part in this poll. (Crap – Rank 1, Notbad Rank 2 and “I regret….” as Rank 3). So if you would vote crap, I would consider this blog a success.

First they take a huge deposit in multiples of 10. If you pay 10k rent you shell out 100k of your hard earned money as security deposit. Which as the name suggest is in

 DE(e)POS(h)IT ~ DEeP ShIT

Let’s leave that there. Although you don’t get any interest, it’s reasonable from the owner’s side to keep some amount in case the tenant is trouble some like this one.

(Just when you guys thought the Landlord saga is over)

But for families like mine, where it’s just the two of us, we have taken care of the house just like ours. But that doesn’t seem to pay off as I am doing the paying.

To make things clear, I am moving out of my house to an apartment. The current landlord has told me that she will deduct 9k for painting + cleaning charges which will come around 500Rs.

Now that sounds very very unreasonable as the painting wouldn’t take more than 6k. Also the place doesn’t require any painting as well. 

So her crooked mind has this plan. 

1. Make some easy money. Deduct as much as possible from the existing tenant when they move out.
2. Don’t paint the house.
3. Rent it out to an unsuspecting family.
4. Go to point 1.

Asking around, I learned that this is the trend in Bangalore. Almost all my colleagues who have moved out once earlier have lost out at least 5-10k to the landlord. They list out damages which have not happened during their tenure.

How greedy can people get? Doesn’t the landlord know that this is hard earned money that we are talking about? As far as my income goes, it is not growing on a tree.

But for her it’s the tree (us tenants) that the money grows on.

Let take this example. You rent a car and you drive for 100kms. The car company will charge you rent for the day and check if you have made any damages. If not they would not charge you any extra money on it.

Now the car would have undergone wear and tear, like the life of the tyre would be now less (total life in Kilometers minus 100kms).

(The wear and tear) + %car’s price + profit = Rent.

Imagine if they say “Well, you drove for 100kms so you have to repaint it” or “Replace the tyres.”

That sounds unreasonable right?

Let’s leave everything, even if the LL wants to repaint it, why doesn’t she ask for a reasonable amount? The actual painting cost?

My landlady,

Is greedy.

She is an old lady,

 But still greedy.

Just when I thought that the robbers and terrorists are criminals, I have one staying on the 1^st floor.

So we went to see this apartment which was not at the best area where one would like to move from the better area where he/she is staying currently. Nevertheless I just want to escape from the … well you know.

I rang the bell, while I was waiting for the door to open, I could see smoke coming out of the keyhole.
“I think its burning” I said.

A young guy opened the door (by young I mean, a bachelor not necessarily younger than me). He was holding a cigarette on his one hand while he leaned on the door keeping it half opened. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt that said few letters which read “WTF”. No, I don’t think he meant me. May be me, 1400 hours on a Saturday evening? Definitely ME. (But he suggested the time)

“Vikram? Remember we talked on the phone. Seems like you are moving?” I asked.
“Uh, yeah” He replied. I assumed he was Vikram*.

10 seconds. He took another puff.

“So shall I come in and see the place?” I asked to kill the silence and shove away the smoke.

My wife was already covering her face with her dupatta.
“I will check out the place first” I told her and stepped in.

There were 3, no 4 guys on the floor. There were wires all over, empty bottles (liquor), cigarette buds, cartons, plastic bags. It was a mess.

To make things worse the entire walls were covered with foot and hand marks. I think either people got all crazy after watching Spiderman or were completely drunk and didn’t know where they were going.

The smoke was so thick that the kitchen was not visible. The government bathrooms at bus stations were lot better than the ones I found there.

Wifey stayed out.

I got a call after half hour.
Owner: “Did you see the house”
Me : “I am afraid sir, I think your house is a mess”
Owner : “Oh, a couple of bachelors were staying there, they will vacate in 2 weeks, we can get it cleaned up”
Me : “Cleaned up? I think the entire house needs re-painting and lots of work needs to be done.”
Owner : “Oh, that apartment is my hard earned money, those guys destroyed it? Oh oh. God’
Me : “Sir, no Sir its not like they destroyed it or anything.. A little messy I would say”

I did not want to hear an old man crying. Messy bathroom and an old man crying was definitely not my idea of a Saturday evening.

We met this weekend, the owner came over from his hometown 300kms from Bangalore to take a look at his hard-earned apartment and send the boys out. The owner looked pretty sad.

“I want to be honest with you; I don’t want to move into an apartment this messy. I guess you should start looking for other tenants” I said.
“I completely understand” he said.
When the door closed behind me, I think I could hear him cursing himself for giving the brand new apartment for rent to a bunch of guys. (Who as he says promised to keep the place neat?)

<<<<<<<FLASHBACK>>>>>>>>>>

Few years back,

Five friends and I shared a 3 bedroom house when we started working. It was fun.

There were bottles, cigarette buds, polythene covers, wires, books, clothes, paper all over. It was a mess…………………….

*Name changed to protect privacy.

PS: Just out of college and a cleanliness freak? Nah, I don’t think anyone will look cool then.

Okay I admit, I don’t like my landlord. No it’s not just because of this but, because of the ‘showering display of water’ all over the place where I live.

Let me explain. It was a great Sunday morning, dressed up in freshly pressed clothes we were off to the Church, a bit late, but then it’s better late than never.

That’s when it rained. No it’s not rain. There was no thunder. It’s was not cloudy. It’s my landlord again! She was busy cleaning the stairs and then she went showering the entire place and ME (who was unfortunately standing on the ground floor about to get into my vehicle)with water.

The spray spoiled my shirt. I refrained myself from calling her names, after all am off to the church.

My questions are, why does she have to clean the stairs every day? Every single day? Even when it rains?

Why why why why? Why does she have to clean the steps and drench my bike with water every day? Every single day? The bike sits there miserably under the stairs when the water falls rushing down on it. It can’t move nor take cover from the sudden downpour. Well you can’t blame the bike, I couldn’t judge the sudden downpour as well.

And then the dust starts to accumulate on the bike.

The dusty bike and a car that would be all left. Thanks to the showering display of water. And the lady says she is cleaning. Trust me, it’s not a very good feeling to be drenched with dirty water one fine morning. And my poor motorcycle is tortured every morning.

Aaaargh !

Its time we move.

So off I go to office, and announced my plans to move, one of my colleagues narrated his experience, when he was in search of a house two months back.

He found an advertisement on the local newspaper about a house which was available on rent. One saturday morning he went to see the house. He couldn’t locate the place and requested a vegetable vendor who was near the locality to help him. The vegetable vendor asked my colleague to follow him and pointed out to a house. It was around 100 meters from his vegetable stall.

My colleague went in and talked to the owner regarding the house. Once done and all settled he was about to return to his car, when he found the vegetable owner waiting for him outside the house. The vendor approached my colleague and asked

“So are you taking the house?”

Colleague : “Yes”

Vendor : “My commission?”

Colleague : “Whaaaat???”

Vendor : “I showed you the house. So I need commission for that”

Colleague: “I just asked you for directions. I had the address with me already”

Vendor : “I showed the house and so that qualifies me as the broker”

Colleague : “Get the ()*#@()*# off my face”

And he drove away.

Next time you ask for directions in Bangalore, make sure you don’t mention that you want to rent out the place. If you do, you will find instant brokers.

Better buy a GPS enabled phone. Or as an alternative, take a print out of Google maps (this is what I do).

But my landlord……………..aaaarghhhh !

Everyone is asking me on whether I got my parking space. It’s a BIG NO !.

Getting a car is not a luxury, but a parking space is !

My landlady is back with her new excuse on why she is not giving me the garage. She is planning to start a Tution centre at the underground garage. She might kill some children there (due to suffocation of course).

Somewhere down the line in our conversation she did mention about her ‘almost’ renting out the space for 5000Rs/month.

I mean even if I have an S class benz I will have to shell out 60,000Rs per year. I can get the car repainted every year and still save some money.

My landlady,

Is greedy.

She is an old lady

But still greedy.

—- 

I recently had a chat with a friend of mine who is now on a business trip in Greece. He says language is a big problem to him. According to him ‘everything sounds Greek’ .

—-

Fame lido mall in Bangalore employs one of the best use of parking space, they use lifts at each parking spot and lift the car up to accommodate one beneath. I parked my car there this weekend, when I came back and took my car out an Indica blocked my way. The driver was trying to park his vehicle at the spot next to mine. For the first time in the history of Bangalore he allowed to me to go first and moved his car a bit. And then the lift at his parking space broke and the huge metal frame came crashing down. Although the cars parked next to it escaped unscarred it was the little good deed that saved the Indica.

Now what’s the moral of the story?

Don’t park cars at Fame Lido. 

You guys might be knowing how I like my landlady. She is sweet, loving, caring, and concerned. She love her tenants just like the way she love her kids..

I won’t say the above words even if I am drunk !!!!

Now to the point, we have been her tenants for almost an year now. The place rented out to us still looks fresh, neat and tidy. The rent was given without delay on 1^st of every month. The electrical items are all intact. The place is still the same way she rented out to us.

When moving in we had this conversation.

Me : Where will I put my bike?

LL (landlady) : You can put it outside, see how all the cars, bikes are kept outside.

Me : What about the basement parking? Seems like its empty.

LL : Yes, but I have given it on rent.

Me : Oh, then I will park outside.

Even after 6 months, I have never seen any human/alien/animal/unnatural being parking his/her/its car/bike/scooter/UFO in the basement.

Now that I bought a car (this is another way of letting you guys know that I bought a car, I am clever ) I don’t have any place to park it.

So I took my tactics on to please her with a packet of sweets.

Me : Aunty I bought a car. Here are some sweets.

LL : Oh congratulations…

Me : I am wondering where I will park

LL : You can park outside, see how a new Ford Fiesta is parked outside. Eveyrone is parking outside nothing will happen.

Me : Can I use the basement parking. I have not seen anyone using it.

LL : Oh no son, I just remembered we are also buying a car soon.

Me : Which one?

LL : Alto

Me : Which color?

LL : Black

Me : When?

LL : Next week.

After a week.

Afterseeing my brand new car out in the sun, in the rain, I was hurt and decided to ask again.

Me : Aunty can I put the car in till you guys get a car.

LL : Oh no son, we have lot of stuff in there, there wont be much space in to fit a car.

Me : No, that’s not an issue, I can move the items.

LL : I just remembered we will be taking that item in and out, you don’t want to scratch the car do you?

Me : I can put the car outside when you take stuff.

LL : hmmm.

Me : I can pay an extra rent if you want, if its reasonable.

LL’s face brightened, her eyes shined.

LL : let me talk to uncle.

Me : sure and please let me know.

I am sure she will come up with some exorbitant rent for the parking space. I was thinking of my previous landlord in Trivandrum. When my brother bought his car, the landlord offered

“I don’t have a car yet, you can put the car in the garage”

Now that is reasonable. 

Update : I bought a Chevy spark LS, white. Now I can add my share to pollution.

Hoorraaaaaayyyy.. I am back from my vacation and I am surprised to see that the ‘pest controlling’ worked !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the ‘atta thing’ worked after all !.

You might have to read this before moving on…..

………. Yes its from the kitchen. I ran to the kitchen to find my wife screaming and there was a cockroach in sight. 

“What the ???” I thought and ran for my cellphone.

“Are you going to kill it with your cell phone” My wife asked.

“No I am going to kill that son of a ()*@(#*@() Mr Pest Control Agent” I replied.

“Help me here first” My wife shouted. 

I killed the cockroach, wrapped it in a paper for evidence and called the ‘Agent’. 

Agent “ Hello. This is Pest Control’

Me “Pest Control My foot !!!. I am calling from……………… I still got pests in here. You guaranteed that there will be no more pests”

Agent “You must be seeing a lot of cockroaches now. Am I right?”

Me “YES!” 

Agent “It must be running around. Am I right?”

Me “YES YES YES”

Agent  “There might be more number than what you initially had”

Me(losing it)  “YES!!!! WHATS YOUR POINT” 

Agent  “Sir. That’s completely normal.”

Me “What??????” 

Agent  “Let me explain to you Sir. This is an herbal treatment and in the initial 14 days there will be more trouble because it will be coming out of hiding. This will decrease gradually and there wont be no more problem” 

Me (cooling down) “Oh okay, but you never mentioned the ‘herbal treatment’ to me before”

Agent  “Sir I have mentioned it. Its there in the manual too”“

Manual???” I thought.

Me  “Oh okay Thank you” 

Click 

‘I will call you after 14 days you ()*@)@()*@)*@#” I thought.

Me (after regaining my cool and senses) : ‘But then how will the cockroaches know when its 14 days???? Anyways let’s wait for that day…………………..”

Update : read this post

After the incident of pest attack we thought of calling in the experts. The pests including cockroaches were almost invading my home. They were everywhere !!!

I called in a pest control agent to analyze the situation and to suggest plans to save us from the invasion. It took him hardly 10 minutes to walk around the house and paste a sticky substance (looked like ‘atta’ to me) all over. It’s neither visible nor smelly.

I hoped at least the cockroaches would find them. 

‘Wow that was quick’ I thought. 

“1600 Rs sir” said the agent. 

“WHAT?????”  (that’s me)

“Sir this is for one year contract. Our agents will come here every month” Mr Pest Agent.

“Oh okay”

‘I can’t believe I am paying him for sticking atta all over my house’ I thought. 

I paid him.

‘Hmmm’ (sigh)  (that’s me again) 

“Well at least we got rid of all the pests” (that’s me trying to relax)

‘I hope should be something like ‘landlord control’ ROFL’ (that’s me)   {Landlord treatment}

Two days later …………………………………….

 “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaam’ 

It’s from the kitchen….   

To be contd…..